You don't know the greatness you are...

So, over a year has passed since I last wrote an entry. I probably should have kept up with this blog. I read all of these posts the other night and cried. I still have my moments where the grief hits me like a ton of bricks. I never know when it's going to strike, but I'm glad it does. It means I still remember, and I miss her. The wedding was amazing, and while I missed my Mom during the whole process, I know she was there with us, cheering us on, and beeming from heavan. We made sure to include her, and let everyone know that she was there with us. :) I started a new job, and I think it's the best thing I could have done. I no longer drive to work thinking, "the last time I talked to her was when I turned on the street where I work," or when I realized something was really wrong, was when I was driving home and she wasn't answering her phone...or realizing that while I was at work, my Mom needed me. I'll never really know what happened, but that's OK. Who knows if I could really handle the truth about what happened. It's hard enough knowing there was nothing I could do to prevent it.So, the new job is theraputic. A new drive to and from a work, a new POSITIVE atmosphere, and new friends/coworkers. It was so hard to be going through this grief and working in a negative environment. It's amazing how much your environment efforts your attitude and mental health.I'm finally starting to feel "happy" again. The other day someone told me, "you're always smiling," and I'd forgotten what that was like. Part of me didn't want to smile anymore, because that would mean I'd accepted that my Mom was gone, and life was moving on. I wasn't supposed to be happy. Then I think about how my Mom would be really upset if I was so sad. She always wanted the best for me and for me to be happy and reach for the stars. So, I realized, that if I'm happy, she's happy, too. It's been a tough year and a half, but I'm slowly figuring out how to move on without leaving her behind. I worry that I'll forget her voice, or her perfume, her smile, her laugh, but there's no way I will forget her, because her memory will live through me, and my memories. :)

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Veggies

Today was one of those days. Today was the kind of day where I was extremely busy at work without any time to think about anything except the task at hand. Time flew by and I ended up working late. These are the days I love and hate. Love, because it means the day goes by quickly, and I love being busy and having fun at work. Hate, because it's a long drive home (long meaning more figuratively), with a lot of time to unwind and start thinking. A song came on the radio and a random line in the song made me think of my Mom. This was at the beginning of the drive home. Made me think about how much fun we had the Saturday before. We went home to Richmond, and had a great time one-on-one. We passed by a farm that was for sale, and my Mom mentioned how she'd always wanted to marry a farmer. My Mom loved to cook and would have had so much fun growing and cooking with her own fresh produce. We used to stop at the random stands along Midlothian Turnpike to get fresh produce every summer. She even grew her own herbs and tomato plants one summer. I told my Mom there was still time for her to meet her farmer, fall in love, and live on a farm. I wish that had been true. I miss her deeply. My mind started to wander to all of the friends who are having babies. I wish my Mom could have been here for when I have children. She would have had so much fun being a grandmother. I think to all the memories I have of my Mom and Grandmother, and wish my children could have those same memories. I won't be able to call my Mom for advice. This is the same for the upcoming wedding. It's hard to think of going through the "firsts" without my Mom around. She taught me to walk, read, write, ride a bike, drive a car, etc. It was always Mom and me. I know there are a lot of people who want to go through these "firsts" with me. The wedding. The children (not for a few years, but something I think about). I am grateful to have my family and friends and those that I care about. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and don't want anyone to think I'm not appreciative. I need all of you in my life. There's just not anyone that can take the place of my Mom. I've entertained the idea of moving back to Richmond in the years to come. Not any time soon. I feel so homesick. I think I'm chasing something that isn't there, though; or rather, someone that isn't there. Richmond is where I have the most memories of my Mom. I miss our house, her cooking, Rosie, etc. I think I want to move to Richmond because I think she'll be there. Waiting for me. I wonder if I shouldn't move back to Richmond, because then I will be looking for her up here. I think I will always be looking for her. I look for her when I go downstairs. I thought I saw her once, and jumped so high. Then I laughed at myself, because if it was my Mom, I shouldn't be scared. :) I believe she is still with me always. I've had dreams where I've talked to her. I like to believe it was my Mom. She says exactly what I need to hear. So anway, I know she's not physically here any more, and I'm taking one day at a time to accept it. I'm relieved that she is in a better place, and never got to the point of suffering with her illness. Selfishly, I wish she was still here; unselfishly, I thank God for bringing her to heaven where she can be her old self and watch over us. She was always looking out for me, and I know she will continue to do so. Love always.

Memories

I think about my Mom everday, mostly, on my way to and from work. Even when I lived with my Mom, I called her when I was almost at work and when I was leaving work. (It surprised me when I told my friends, coworkers, etc, because so many of them did/do the same with their mothers. That was comforting). The day she passed away, I'd set-up a new coffee pot the night before, and, as I was hanging up the phone, almost at work, I told her to enjoy her coffee. She was so excited to have a cup of coffee because her previous coffeemaker had been broken for a couple weeks. I can't bring myself to put the coffee pot away. We don't drink coffee, but it's one of the last things she did. I can't move it, yet.

I need to focus on the little things....the good memories, and everything I did for her, to make her/us happy, everything she did for me, because, otherwise, the regrets and sadness will overwhelm me. I have been thinking about the bad lately-- the frustration, the things I wished I'd never said, etc., and Steve tries to bring me back. I didn't think my Mom was as sick as she was. I dislike the doctors for telling me she had 20 more years in her. That we caught everything in time. I wonder if we could have done more. If we missed something. If I messed up her diet, and that's why she's not here. I try really hard not to dwell on this, but it's really hard because I miss her so much. I told her she was fine and was going to be OK. The last weekend she was happier than I'd seen her in a long time. She was feeling better, knew how to manage her illness, and got to see her family. We had decided more trips to Richmond were in order. She ate food that she hadn't had in a while -- comfort food. For the first time in a long time, my mom was happy. I hate that she passed away right when everything was falling into place and everything was going to be OK. I think about growing up, about college, and everything she did for me. My Mom was the best mom in the whole world. It's hard to imagine life without her. Everyone tells me she is always with me, and in my heart, and I do truly believe this; but, as selfish as it is, I wish she was here, physically, with me. I want to hear her voice, her opinion, her thoughts, etc. I want to plan the wedding with my Mom, which is another story. I'm planning several little things, tokens if you will, at the ceremony and reception. You'll have to look for them, but there will be memories of my Mom all over the place. It's the little things. I'm not going overboard and having a huge banner, but there will be special things that represent my Mom being there. I'm enjoying planning those, because if she can't physically be there, she will be there in other ways!

So, anyway, I'm planning the wedding here and there. It has its ups and downs, but I'm having a good time with it. We're going to see the venue this weekend. One year until we get married! Woo hoo!

Tomorrow is another day. :)

Music for the soul

I think about this song all the time. It was one of the first songs I remember hearing shortly thereafter.

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
They'll always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me

"Sissy's Song" -- Alan Jackson

Plans

Today is an up day. Everything for the wedding is falling into place. We've pretty much gotten all the plans together, now it's just a matter of budgeting and purchasing. Apparently, we are amazing planners because we already know what we want to do. Venue is confirmed along with the minister. Good times. I've decided on who is going to escort me down the aisle, so that's off my shoulders, too. :) Now it's just time to wait and slowly bring it all together. I'm really excited about marrying Stephen, but I'm also excited about all of the little ways we will honor my Mom at the ceremony and reception. I keep getting amazing ideas of what to do and how to do it. I think that will be one of the best parts about the day.

It's a long road ahead, dealing with not being able to share my day/thoughts/worries/happiness with her. I think planning the wedding distracts me, but it also makes me remember her and miss her. It's very bittersweet at this point.

I never want to stop thinking about her or doing things for her. I spent most of my life making her proud, and I will continue to live that way. This October, a bunch of us are going to walk for a charity in honor of my Mom. I had planned to do it anyway, but now it means so much more.

As the days go by, I know the grief will get easier. I'll be able to reminisce without the happy/sad tears. I don't know if I want to talk about her without tearing up, or if that will make me sad, too. Don't know if that makes sense. "One day at a time," is a great saying.

I love hearing how everyone remembers my Mom and what memories they cherish. Even if it results in tears, it's the best thing anyone can do. It's the little things in life that mean the most.

Traditional

Yesterday was a lot of fun. Steve, his Mom, and I went to visit the venue. It was pouring, but we had a good time. The wedding's going to be outdoors, and the venue was still beautiful in the rain. We are happy with it, and will finalize the contract at the beginning of the week. So, at this point, I think we have done everything major that we need to do. I'm sad I can't talk to my Mom about all of this, but I know she's still here. I'm having a hard time figuring out who should walk me down the aisle. The person I asked told me to find a back-up. So, I should probably ask someone else enitrely -- I don't want to inconvenience anyone or make it feel like an obligation. The question is, "who?" I know I have a lot of time to figure this one out, but it's bothering me because I have no idea what to do. So, if anyone has any suggestions, I would appreciate it. My grandmother focuses on the "traditional," but I think it's pretty impossible for us to have a "traditional" wedding. So, Steve and I will do what we want to do, and throw caution into the wind. :) We have a lot of little things knocked out already. Those are the most fun to do -- which is why we are probably doing those so early in the game. I love the web site theplunge.com. I really shouldn't like this web site, but it makes me laugh. It's geared toward the groom during the entire wedding planning process. Good times. Anyway, now I'm enjoying a lazy Saturday with Bailey. I took him for a long walk, and now he's exhausted. Too cute.