Memories

I think about my Mom everday, mostly, on my way to and from work. Even when I lived with my Mom, I called her when I was almost at work and when I was leaving work. (It surprised me when I told my friends, coworkers, etc, because so many of them did/do the same with their mothers. That was comforting). The day she passed away, I'd set-up a new coffee pot the night before, and, as I was hanging up the phone, almost at work, I told her to enjoy her coffee. She was so excited to have a cup of coffee because her previous coffeemaker had been broken for a couple weeks. I can't bring myself to put the coffee pot away. We don't drink coffee, but it's one of the last things she did. I can't move it, yet.

I need to focus on the little things....the good memories, and everything I did for her, to make her/us happy, everything she did for me, because, otherwise, the regrets and sadness will overwhelm me. I have been thinking about the bad lately-- the frustration, the things I wished I'd never said, etc., and Steve tries to bring me back. I didn't think my Mom was as sick as she was. I dislike the doctors for telling me she had 20 more years in her. That we caught everything in time. I wonder if we could have done more. If we missed something. If I messed up her diet, and that's why she's not here. I try really hard not to dwell on this, but it's really hard because I miss her so much. I told her she was fine and was going to be OK. The last weekend she was happier than I'd seen her in a long time. She was feeling better, knew how to manage her illness, and got to see her family. We had decided more trips to Richmond were in order. She ate food that she hadn't had in a while -- comfort food. For the first time in a long time, my mom was happy. I hate that she passed away right when everything was falling into place and everything was going to be OK. I think about growing up, about college, and everything she did for me. My Mom was the best mom in the whole world. It's hard to imagine life without her. Everyone tells me she is always with me, and in my heart, and I do truly believe this; but, as selfish as it is, I wish she was here, physically, with me. I want to hear her voice, her opinion, her thoughts, etc. I want to plan the wedding with my Mom, which is another story. I'm planning several little things, tokens if you will, at the ceremony and reception. You'll have to look for them, but there will be memories of my Mom all over the place. It's the little things. I'm not going overboard and having a huge banner, but there will be special things that represent my Mom being there. I'm enjoying planning those, because if she can't physically be there, she will be there in other ways!

So, anyway, I'm planning the wedding here and there. It has its ups and downs, but I'm having a good time with it. We're going to see the venue this weekend. One year until we get married! Woo hoo!

Tomorrow is another day. :)