Veggies

Today was one of those days. Today was the kind of day where I was extremely busy at work without any time to think about anything except the task at hand. Time flew by and I ended up working late. These are the days I love and hate. Love, because it means the day goes by quickly, and I love being busy and having fun at work. Hate, because it's a long drive home (long meaning more figuratively), with a lot of time to unwind and start thinking. A song came on the radio and a random line in the song made me think of my Mom. This was at the beginning of the drive home. Made me think about how much fun we had the Saturday before. We went home to Richmond, and had a great time one-on-one. We passed by a farm that was for sale, and my Mom mentioned how she'd always wanted to marry a farmer. My Mom loved to cook and would have had so much fun growing and cooking with her own fresh produce. We used to stop at the random stands along Midlothian Turnpike to get fresh produce every summer. She even grew her own herbs and tomato plants one summer. I told my Mom there was still time for her to meet her farmer, fall in love, and live on a farm. I wish that had been true. I miss her deeply. My mind started to wander to all of the friends who are having babies. I wish my Mom could have been here for when I have children. She would have had so much fun being a grandmother. I think to all the memories I have of my Mom and Grandmother, and wish my children could have those same memories. I won't be able to call my Mom for advice. This is the same for the upcoming wedding. It's hard to think of going through the "firsts" without my Mom around. She taught me to walk, read, write, ride a bike, drive a car, etc. It was always Mom and me. I know there are a lot of people who want to go through these "firsts" with me. The wedding. The children (not for a few years, but something I think about). I am grateful to have my family and friends and those that I care about. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and don't want anyone to think I'm not appreciative. I need all of you in my life. There's just not anyone that can take the place of my Mom. I've entertained the idea of moving back to Richmond in the years to come. Not any time soon. I feel so homesick. I think I'm chasing something that isn't there, though; or rather, someone that isn't there. Richmond is where I have the most memories of my Mom. I miss our house, her cooking, Rosie, etc. I think I want to move to Richmond because I think she'll be there. Waiting for me. I wonder if I shouldn't move back to Richmond, because then I will be looking for her up here. I think I will always be looking for her. I look for her when I go downstairs. I thought I saw her once, and jumped so high. Then I laughed at myself, because if it was my Mom, I shouldn't be scared. :) I believe she is still with me always. I've had dreams where I've talked to her. I like to believe it was my Mom. She says exactly what I need to hear. So anway, I know she's not physically here any more, and I'm taking one day at a time to accept it. I'm relieved that she is in a better place, and never got to the point of suffering with her illness. Selfishly, I wish she was still here; unselfishly, I thank God for bringing her to heaven where she can be her old self and watch over us. She was always looking out for me, and I know she will continue to do so. Love always.

Memories

I think about my Mom everday, mostly, on my way to and from work. Even when I lived with my Mom, I called her when I was almost at work and when I was leaving work. (It surprised me when I told my friends, coworkers, etc, because so many of them did/do the same with their mothers. That was comforting). The day she passed away, I'd set-up a new coffee pot the night before, and, as I was hanging up the phone, almost at work, I told her to enjoy her coffee. She was so excited to have a cup of coffee because her previous coffeemaker had been broken for a couple weeks. I can't bring myself to put the coffee pot away. We don't drink coffee, but it's one of the last things she did. I can't move it, yet.

I need to focus on the little things....the good memories, and everything I did for her, to make her/us happy, everything she did for me, because, otherwise, the regrets and sadness will overwhelm me. I have been thinking about the bad lately-- the frustration, the things I wished I'd never said, etc., and Steve tries to bring me back. I didn't think my Mom was as sick as she was. I dislike the doctors for telling me she had 20 more years in her. That we caught everything in time. I wonder if we could have done more. If we missed something. If I messed up her diet, and that's why she's not here. I try really hard not to dwell on this, but it's really hard because I miss her so much. I told her she was fine and was going to be OK. The last weekend she was happier than I'd seen her in a long time. She was feeling better, knew how to manage her illness, and got to see her family. We had decided more trips to Richmond were in order. She ate food that she hadn't had in a while -- comfort food. For the first time in a long time, my mom was happy. I hate that she passed away right when everything was falling into place and everything was going to be OK. I think about growing up, about college, and everything she did for me. My Mom was the best mom in the whole world. It's hard to imagine life without her. Everyone tells me she is always with me, and in my heart, and I do truly believe this; but, as selfish as it is, I wish she was here, physically, with me. I want to hear her voice, her opinion, her thoughts, etc. I want to plan the wedding with my Mom, which is another story. I'm planning several little things, tokens if you will, at the ceremony and reception. You'll have to look for them, but there will be memories of my Mom all over the place. It's the little things. I'm not going overboard and having a huge banner, but there will be special things that represent my Mom being there. I'm enjoying planning those, because if she can't physically be there, she will be there in other ways!

So, anyway, I'm planning the wedding here and there. It has its ups and downs, but I'm having a good time with it. We're going to see the venue this weekend. One year until we get married! Woo hoo!

Tomorrow is another day. :)