I think about this song all the time. It was one of the first songs I remember hearing shortly thereafter.
Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
They'll always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
"Sissy's Song" -- Alan Jackson
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Plans
Today is an up day. Everything for the wedding is falling into place. We've pretty much gotten all the plans together, now it's just a matter of budgeting and purchasing. Apparently, we are amazing planners because we already know what we want to do. Venue is confirmed along with the minister. Good times. I've decided on who is going to escort me down the aisle, so that's off my shoulders, too. :) Now it's just time to wait and slowly bring it all together. I'm really excited about marrying Stephen, but I'm also excited about all of the little ways we will honor my Mom at the ceremony and reception. I keep getting amazing ideas of what to do and how to do it. I think that will be one of the best parts about the day.
It's a long road ahead, dealing with not being able to share my day/thoughts/worries/happiness with her. I think planning the wedding distracts me, but it also makes me remember her and miss her. It's very bittersweet at this point.
I never want to stop thinking about her or doing things for her. I spent most of my life making her proud, and I will continue to live that way. This October, a bunch of us are going to walk for a charity in honor of my Mom. I had planned to do it anyway, but now it means so much more.
As the days go by, I know the grief will get easier. I'll be able to reminisce without the happy/sad tears. I don't know if I want to talk about her without tearing up, or if that will make me sad, too. Don't know if that makes sense. "One day at a time," is a great saying.
I love hearing how everyone remembers my Mom and what memories they cherish. Even if it results in tears, it's the best thing anyone can do. It's the little things in life that mean the most.
It's a long road ahead, dealing with not being able to share my day/thoughts/worries/happiness with her. I think planning the wedding distracts me, but it also makes me remember her and miss her. It's very bittersweet at this point.
I never want to stop thinking about her or doing things for her. I spent most of my life making her proud, and I will continue to live that way. This October, a bunch of us are going to walk for a charity in honor of my Mom. I had planned to do it anyway, but now it means so much more.
As the days go by, I know the grief will get easier. I'll be able to reminisce without the happy/sad tears. I don't know if I want to talk about her without tearing up, or if that will make me sad, too. Don't know if that makes sense. "One day at a time," is a great saying.
I love hearing how everyone remembers my Mom and what memories they cherish. Even if it results in tears, it's the best thing anyone can do. It's the little things in life that mean the most.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Traditional
Yesterday was a lot of fun. Steve, his Mom, and I went to visit the venue. It was pouring, but we had a good time. The wedding's going to be outdoors, and the venue was still beautiful in the rain. We are happy with it, and will finalize the contract at the beginning of the week. So, at this point, I think we have done everything major that we need to do. I'm sad I can't talk to my Mom about all of this, but I know she's still here. I'm having a hard time figuring out who should walk me down the aisle. The person I asked told me to find a back-up. So, I should probably ask someone else enitrely -- I don't want to inconvenience anyone or make it feel like an obligation. The question is, "who?" I know I have a lot of time to figure this one out, but it's bothering me because I have no idea what to do. So, if anyone has any suggestions, I would appreciate it. My grandmother focuses on the "traditional," but I think it's pretty impossible for us to have a "traditional" wedding. So, Steve and I will do what we want to do, and throw caution into the wind. :) We have a lot of little things knocked out already. Those are the most fun to do -- which is why we are probably doing those so early in the game. I love the web site theplunge.com. I really shouldn't like this web site, but it makes me laugh. It's geared toward the groom during the entire wedding planning process. Good times. Anyway, now I'm enjoying a lazy Saturday with Bailey. I took him for a long walk, and now he's exhausted. Too cute.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tears & Trucks
Today was a good day. Work was busy as usual. I love my job and the people I work with. Tonight, we went to buy the guestbook for the wedding, and then I took Stephen out to celebrate. He received good news from the doctor, and will be going back to his job of saving lives, tomorrow. I'm so happy for him! I'm doing a lot of little things for the wedding right now, because they make me smile. I looked at a list regarding what one is supposed to do and the associated timeline, but I'm going in my own direction. It's fun to buy the "little" things here and there. It makes it more fun. Today, I bought the guestbook and didn't cry. Usually, as I think about each new wedding item, I tend to cry because I want so desparately to ask my Mom her opinion. Funny, I've heard so many brides in the past say she wishes everyone would butt out so that she could have her own wedding. I suppose the grass is always greener. I know the big things will make me cry. I'm not sad, mind you. I'm so excited for the "big day," however, I wish I could share it with my Mom. I always told my Mom that she would give me away at my wedding. Not the "traditional" wedding event, but I didn't care. She was the one that was by my side my entire life. Naturally, she should give me away. Anyway, I enjoy thinking about my Mom as I plan this important day.
Crazy story. The Friday before Memorial Day weekend, I was driving home from work and started thinking about my Mom. When I am alone with my thoughts, my mind automatically goes to my Mom. Anyway, my cousin thought of a great idea to give a toast in honor of my Mom at the reception. So, on this ride home, my mind went to the toast. What would I say? I had a really good speech going. I was happy because it was about my Mom, but the tears were also streaming. I was preoccupied with my thoughts and the amazing speech I was writing in my head. It was a beautiful Friday afternoon, so I had the windows down. As I was stopped at a red light, letting the speech unfold, I heard someone say, "Are you all right?!" First, panic. I looked in the rearview mirror to ensure that no one was in my back seat. Next, I looked to the left, and a guy in his blue pick-up truck (F150, extended cab, suicide doors), was asking if I was "all right." I told him, "I was just thinking about my Mom." He proceeded to tell me how I was really crying hard, and how it was the beginning of Memorial Day weekend, and a three-day weekend, with beautiful weather ahead, and that I shouldn't be sad, I should be excited and looking forward to going out. He asked if my Mom was sick, or passed away or out of town. I told him, "It's been about a month." Keep in mind the tears had been streaming, and even though the speech about my Mom was eloquent and perfect, the words towards this strange guy were coming out choppy, and in my mind, incoherent. So, he apologized, expressed his condolences, and I said thank you and turned up my radio. We proceeded to remain next to each other for the next mile or so (awkward) haha. I guess I always thought that I was alone in the car, with my own thoughts. I never realized that someone might actually see me and the smile on or tears streaming down my face. He definitely got my mind off of crying. I don't really care what his intentions were -- I'd like to think it was genuine concern. Anyway, as I plan this wedding, I know there will be lots of tears, but I know my Mom is with me as I make all of the arrangements. This Friday we are going to go book the venue. I'm excited that my Aunt and Stephen's mother will be going with us. I'm so lucky to have such a supportive and sweet family. :)
Crazy story. The Friday before Memorial Day weekend, I was driving home from work and started thinking about my Mom. When I am alone with my thoughts, my mind automatically goes to my Mom. Anyway, my cousin thought of a great idea to give a toast in honor of my Mom at the reception. So, on this ride home, my mind went to the toast. What would I say? I had a really good speech going. I was happy because it was about my Mom, but the tears were also streaming. I was preoccupied with my thoughts and the amazing speech I was writing in my head. It was a beautiful Friday afternoon, so I had the windows down. As I was stopped at a red light, letting the speech unfold, I heard someone say, "Are you all right?!" First, panic. I looked in the rearview mirror to ensure that no one was in my back seat. Next, I looked to the left, and a guy in his blue pick-up truck (F150, extended cab, suicide doors), was asking if I was "all right." I told him, "I was just thinking about my Mom." He proceeded to tell me how I was really crying hard, and how it was the beginning of Memorial Day weekend, and a three-day weekend, with beautiful weather ahead, and that I shouldn't be sad, I should be excited and looking forward to going out. He asked if my Mom was sick, or passed away or out of town. I told him, "It's been about a month." Keep in mind the tears had been streaming, and even though the speech about my Mom was eloquent and perfect, the words towards this strange guy were coming out choppy, and in my mind, incoherent. So, he apologized, expressed his condolences, and I said thank you and turned up my radio. We proceeded to remain next to each other for the next mile or so (awkward) haha. I guess I always thought that I was alone in the car, with my own thoughts. I never realized that someone might actually see me and the smile on or tears streaming down my face. He definitely got my mind off of crying. I don't really care what his intentions were -- I'd like to think it was genuine concern. Anyway, as I plan this wedding, I know there will be lots of tears, but I know my Mom is with me as I make all of the arrangements. This Friday we are going to go book the venue. I'm excited that my Aunt and Stephen's mother will be going with us. I'm so lucky to have such a supportive and sweet family. :)
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Penguin
Today, as I sat soaking in a bubblebath, alone with my thoughts, I started to think about my Mom. For the first time, I began to worry, "what if I forget her?" I never want to forget her -- her laugh, her voice, her encouragement, her frustration, her love. The most difficult thing to go through is not being able to talk to her. This past year, I was lucky enough to see my Mom every day. Even before then, though, I talked to her all the time. I called her when I left work, got to work, lunch breaks, when I left work, when I got home from work, while I was cooking dinner (for that secret ingredient that made a so-so meal into a homemade meal), and after dinner. We would talk from anywhere between five minutes to over an hour. It depended on the time of day, and the news we had to share. I was a rare child and shared everything with my Mom. Yes, everything. I may have fibbed to friends, roommates, boyfriends, and said, "No, I would never tell my Mom that," but I did. (Sorry!) My Mom encouraged an open relationship, and it was very easy because she's my best friend. I find myself going to call her at the usual times. Instead, I call someone else -- family, friend, stephen or tear-up. My day seems so quiet. Don't get me wrong, work is extremely busy, and there are people constantly talking to me, but I feel lonely. I have two of my favorite cards hanging up at work that my Mom sent me at various times. They have been there since I started working at my job. There is one with a picture of a penguin with its wings up in the air. The inside says, "Few things are worse than being in a hug position with no one to hug. Miss you!" The words mean so much more. I miss you, too.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Mamacita
I love my Mom so much. My Mom always wanted me to write for a living. She loved my writing, as only a mother would. I'm not a writer (yet?). I went into college thinking I would graduate with an accounting and business administration degree, and ended up graduting with an English degree, and was an editor of the college paper. Mom is always right. I've decided to write down my thoughts as I cope with the grief of losing my Mom, and best friend, so early in life. I know she is still here with me, and watching over us, but I miss her so much. I thought about writing in a journal, but this seemed to be the better idea. I thought I would start by posting the eulogy I wrote about my Mom. It was the hardest and easiest thing I have ever had to write. The hardest because I want my Mom here next to me, listening, laughing and smiling, instead of writing how amazing she is/was to an audience in a sanctuary; and the easiest because it is so easy to write about how much you love and envy your best friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In loving memory of "Peachie" 3/4/54-3/30/09
First of all, I would like to thank all of you for coming today. My Mom would have loved to see all of you, and I'm sure would have been overwhelmed by your thoughts, prayers and kindness.
George Washington said it best, "My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her."
Words cannot explain how much my Mom means to me. My Mom had an uncanny way of making me smile everyday or lifting my spirits. She always knew the right words to say. They say that as you get older you become more like your mother. I can only hope this is true. My Mom was always there for me, her family, and her friends. She was a very kind and selfless person.
Eve though she only had one daughter, she was everybody's Mom. It always surprised me how all of my friends, even those that didn't know each other, would meet my Mom once, and the next time were calling her, "Mom." She loved every minute of being a Mom. I can't remember a single time when she wasn't there. Whether it was waiting for me at the bus stop, helping me with my spelling words, or counting down the days until I received by acceptance letter to college, my Mom was always by my side for every event, not matter how big or small.
My Mom taught me more about life than anyone could learn from a textbook. She taught me to reach for the stars. She prided herself in having a zest for life, and wished the same for me. My Mom encouraged me to be an individual and to never lose sight of my curiousity, drive and ambition. My Mom taught me to be a leader, and lead by example. She was always by my side, and will continue to remain there. Charlotte Gray said, "Children and mothers never truly part - bound in the beating of each other's heart." She gave me self-confidence, strong values, and most importantly, love.
My Mom could turn the simplest events into the best memories. When I was little, my Mom packed my lunch for school everyday. I looked forward to lunch because she would write little notes on my napkins. The little notes and packed lunches continued to through middle and high school. Once in college, too far away from Mom's packed lunches and onto "college food," the notes were put into a difference form -- greeting cards. For the first week in college, I received one inspirational or funny card from my Mom everyday. Then the cards came about once a week. Friends would joke about the card collection as my mailbox never felt empty. I hung up every card I received in my dorm room, and by the end of the year, my wall was covered. I still have every card my Mom sent me throughout college, and amazingly no two were ever the same. I will really miss her and all of her encouragement.
She was, and always will be, my best friend. I know she will continue to live through me, and all of us, as we remember all the stories and how she touched our lives. My Mom was one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and will probably ever meet. I knew I could go to her no matter what the reason. I loved her with all my heart, and will truly miss her. How lucky I was to have the best Mom in the world.
In closing, the lyrics of one of my Mom's favorite songs, "In my dreams, I'll always see you soar. Above the sky in my heart, there'll always be a place for you for all my life. I'll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am, there you'll be."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In loving memory of "Peachie" 3/4/54-3/30/09
First of all, I would like to thank all of you for coming today. My Mom would have loved to see all of you, and I'm sure would have been overwhelmed by your thoughts, prayers and kindness.
George Washington said it best, "My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her."
Words cannot explain how much my Mom means to me. My Mom had an uncanny way of making me smile everyday or lifting my spirits. She always knew the right words to say. They say that as you get older you become more like your mother. I can only hope this is true. My Mom was always there for me, her family, and her friends. She was a very kind and selfless person.
Eve though she only had one daughter, she was everybody's Mom. It always surprised me how all of my friends, even those that didn't know each other, would meet my Mom once, and the next time were calling her, "Mom." She loved every minute of being a Mom. I can't remember a single time when she wasn't there. Whether it was waiting for me at the bus stop, helping me with my spelling words, or counting down the days until I received by acceptance letter to college, my Mom was always by my side for every event, not matter how big or small.
My Mom taught me more about life than anyone could learn from a textbook. She taught me to reach for the stars. She prided herself in having a zest for life, and wished the same for me. My Mom encouraged me to be an individual and to never lose sight of my curiousity, drive and ambition. My Mom taught me to be a leader, and lead by example. She was always by my side, and will continue to remain there. Charlotte Gray said, "Children and mothers never truly part - bound in the beating of each other's heart." She gave me self-confidence, strong values, and most importantly, love.
My Mom could turn the simplest events into the best memories. When I was little, my Mom packed my lunch for school everyday. I looked forward to lunch because she would write little notes on my napkins. The little notes and packed lunches continued to through middle and high school. Once in college, too far away from Mom's packed lunches and onto "college food," the notes were put into a difference form -- greeting cards. For the first week in college, I received one inspirational or funny card from my Mom everyday. Then the cards came about once a week. Friends would joke about the card collection as my mailbox never felt empty. I hung up every card I received in my dorm room, and by the end of the year, my wall was covered. I still have every card my Mom sent me throughout college, and amazingly no two were ever the same. I will really miss her and all of her encouragement.
She was, and always will be, my best friend. I know she will continue to live through me, and all of us, as we remember all the stories and how she touched our lives. My Mom was one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and will probably ever meet. I knew I could go to her no matter what the reason. I loved her with all my heart, and will truly miss her. How lucky I was to have the best Mom in the world.
In closing, the lyrics of one of my Mom's favorite songs, "In my dreams, I'll always see you soar. Above the sky in my heart, there'll always be a place for you for all my life. I'll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am, there you'll be."
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