You don't know the greatness you are...

So, over a year has passed since I last wrote an entry. I probably should have kept up with this blog. I read all of these posts the other night and cried. I still have my moments where the grief hits me like a ton of bricks. I never know when it's going to strike, but I'm glad it does. It means I still remember, and I miss her. The wedding was amazing, and while I missed my Mom during the whole process, I know she was there with us, cheering us on, and beeming from heavan. We made sure to include her, and let everyone know that she was there with us. :) I started a new job, and I think it's the best thing I could have done. I no longer drive to work thinking, "the last time I talked to her was when I turned on the street where I work," or when I realized something was really wrong, was when I was driving home and she wasn't answering her phone...or realizing that while I was at work, my Mom needed me. I'll never really know what happened, but that's OK. Who knows if I could really handle the truth about what happened. It's hard enough knowing there was nothing I could do to prevent it.So, the new job is theraputic. A new drive to and from a work, a new POSITIVE atmosphere, and new friends/coworkers. It was so hard to be going through this grief and working in a negative environment. It's amazing how much your environment efforts your attitude and mental health.I'm finally starting to feel "happy" again. The other day someone told me, "you're always smiling," and I'd forgotten what that was like. Part of me didn't want to smile anymore, because that would mean I'd accepted that my Mom was gone, and life was moving on. I wasn't supposed to be happy. Then I think about how my Mom would be really upset if I was so sad. She always wanted the best for me and for me to be happy and reach for the stars. So, I realized, that if I'm happy, she's happy, too. It's been a tough year and a half, but I'm slowly figuring out how to move on without leaving her behind. I worry that I'll forget her voice, or her perfume, her smile, her laugh, but there's no way I will forget her, because her memory will live through me, and my memories. :)